All in Humor

Last Thursday, in an act of defiance, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, despite international warnings not to do so, launched a rocket which they claimed to be a satellite, but which everyone else knew to be a long-range missile test.

This week, the president’s healthcare mandate is being fought over at the Supreme Court, sales of the Etch A Sketch soared thanks to Mitt Romney’s campaign, and the Speaker of the House may have proven that you should never negotiate with him.

We, the members of the Congressional Tea Party caucus, present our first formal list of demands, which we will soon introduce on the floor as HR-666. Our nation is in peril and for it we can no longer stand. We face mounting debts at the state and national level, we have government entering every home, school and church in America, and we need change.

It was misty that Monday night. Fog hung thick over the Potomac. There was nary a sound for miles. The noise of reporters, camera flashes and Greek choruses had quieted. Streetlights changed color for no one, except perhaps the odd lobbyist scurrying into his trashcan. After all the speculating and graphing and rebranding and redistricting and speaking and speaking and speaking, the city was asleep. All were resting.All, except for one man.

It’s on roughly a third of all laptops in any given lecture hall, and one of your suitemates is, I guarantee, playing it right now. A Columbia student recently featured on the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire website revealed to the Spec his study habits: “I just did a lot of Sporcle and hoped for the best.” Welcome to the world that Sporcle has created.

“Baby of the House” is not commonly used in America, but by definition it can refer to the most junior member of any house in any nation of the world. For example, it could refer to Michelle Tanner on “Full House,” or to the youngest person on the show “House.” It also might refer to the youngest person in a house of Congress, such as the House of Representatives.

The Cold War may be long over, and capitalism is still basking in the glow of its successes (did someone say recession?), but another rather icy, oh-so-subtle battle is being waged within campuses across this great union. Beneath the edifice that proudly reads “The Special Relationship,” Americans are constantly belittling their British counterparts. Whilst I may shed a tear when you declare our empire dead, our importance dwindling, our prime minister obese and our children drunk—the fight back must begin.

As the print media dies a slow, ink-stained death, it’s taking one of the most important visible social markers of American society to the grave with it: the morning paper. For many—and especially for many at Columbia—the publication a person chooses is strongly indicative of his personal character. A lady of distinction would never be seen descending into the metro with AM New York, for example (if she were forced to take the train at all).

You, or several of your friends, are studying either Mandarin or Arabic. It’s a fact. Of that pool, the vast majority have undertaken their studies because they see Mandarin and Arabic as useful languages—languages that will set them apart from the crowd, advance them in their careers, and possibly earn them a buck or two.